


She's still here fighting, Better know there's life in her yet.

by Young_Professer



Series: Freedom is Ours [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Injury, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:15:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25641184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Young_Professer/pseuds/Young_Professer
Summary: First in the "Freedom is ours" Series. Basically a retelling of cannon (with a few extra scenes mixed in) from the battle of Haruun Kal to the Battle of Karoda.
Relationships: Depa Billaba & CC-10/994 | Grey, Depa Billaba & Kanan Jarrus, Depa Billaba & Kanan Jarrus & Mace Windu, Depa Billaba & Mace Windu, Depa Billaba/CC-10/994 | Grey
Series: Freedom is Ours [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899448
Comments: 18
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song "Life in her Yet" by Ragnbone Man. Listen to it, it's good. https://youtu.be/orkEnnQN5wM

Mace wasn't present when the message came in that Depa's battalion had won Haruun Kal for the Republic but almost all of the forces sent there had been killed. He was listening to another devastating report, of General Krell and the havoc he had wreaked after turning to the dark side. He found out about Depa hours later, when the extraction team was on their way back to Coruscant and submitted a brief report of counted casualties and injuries to the council.

His heart was already heavy, but just reading it had made him feel physically sick. An estimated 90% of her men were counted dead or missing, and of the percentage who had survived very few would likely be able to fight again. Depa herself had been severely injured and was on the brink of death. 

And he didn't sense it. His former padawan and close friend, (force, the woman was practically his daughter,) had been beaten almost to the point of death and he had felt nothing. There had been no bad feelings, no dream or vision to alert him that she was hurt. She could have died and he wouldn't have known until a message came through. The shadow of the dark side kept him from being able to reach out and sense her, even now. 

_ Perhaps,  _ He thought.  _ She's already dead, and I didn't feel it. _

Cold fear shot through him, and Mace quickly tried to stomp it out. Surely he would feel if she was gone, if not through the force then just from pure instinct. 

So he hoped. But in any case, all he could do now was wait, wait and pray to the force that she would stay alive.

\--------

  
  


It was days before he was allowed to see Depa, unconscious and in bacta as she was. But even then the Halls of healing staff made him read the medical report of the last seventy-two hours before he was allowed into the observation room.

It was bad. She had suffered three lightsaber stabs through her body, two to her right lung and one just in the middle of her chest, just missing her heart, and many singes as well. And if that wasn't bad enough, she had a massive third degree burn extending from her navel to the tops of her knees. Master Billaba had been in an unresponsive state before arrival, and was placed into an induced coma during the surgeries done to save her life. Between the time she had been injured Haruun Kal to the last of her surgeries her heart had stopped eight different times. Now she was finally in bacta to repair her broken flesh, still unconscious and still in critical condition. 

End report

Mace stared at the datapad, processing the information piece by piece. Eight times she had died. Eight times the medics or healers had had to resuscitate her. Eight times he had been seconds away from losing her forever. He took perhaps a little longer than necessary to steady his emotions and center himself before putting the device down and striding towards the door of the observation room. He opened it, and let his eyes adjust to the dark before stepping over to the window and looking through it.

Depa floated eerily still in the bacta tank, hooked up to machines that kept her breathing, tracked her brain signals and many other things Mace didn't recognize. To say that her body looked damaged would be an understatement. The bacta had already begun it's work, but he could still see the dents and holes in her flesh and the sickening shine of the replaced skin. What struck him the most was that her head had been shaved. Gone was her long hair that she had maintained since her padawan days, a symbol of her Chalactan culture, (although he knew it would quickly grow back while she was in bacta) leaving her looking strangely exposed. The Marks of Illumination still shone on her forehead, a reminder of the brilliant mind that had almost been lost.

It hurt him to look at her, but Mace didn't turn away. He watched over her for long minutes until the sight of her unconscious body did not cause his heart to beat so painfully in his chest. Depa was strong, he had no doubt about that, but her presence in the force was so dim it scared him. 

The healers had said that her brain function would be minimal for weeks after her surgeries, and even then she might not regain full consciousness. 

_ I'm here. _ He tried to tell her, reaching into the force and laying the thoughts over her like a blanket.  _ You'll be alright, you're strong. Take time to rest and heal.  _

He didn't know if she felt it or not. He wouldn't know until she woke. If she woke.


	2. Chapter 2

After two weeks Depa was finally out of the bacta tank and had been taken off of the cautionary sedative. She should wake, at least partially, within the day. Unfortunately, Mace didn't have the day to spare. He didn't even have a whole hour, but he managed to procure about forty minutes to escape to the halls. 

She had been placed in a private recovery room, still on the respirator as a precaution. But the rest of her wounds were healed, even her hair had grown out to lay about her shoulders. 

He walked to sit in the chair by her side and placed his hand on the bed beside her arm. The healers had told him that he should talk to her and even touch her, that the stimuli would help her come out of the coma. But he hesitated the slightest bit because she seemed so fragile and small. Her body was mended as much as bacta and surgery could make it, but in the force she was still dim and withdrawn. 

_ Broken, _ his brain supplied. 

Gently, he moved his fingers to rest on her wrist, faintly feeling her pulse and offering up a feeling of assurance (although whether the comfort for himself or her he isn't completely sure.)

"It would be convenient," He said, voice too loud and too harsh in the silence. "If you woke now."

He paused, pretending to wait, although he knew nothing would happen. 

Nothing happened. 

He continued, "I can't stay long." 

It was too quiet, even though he could hear the hum of people moving and machines working in the rooms around him. Depa was too quiet and still, and it made something burn deep within him. 

"I probably won't be here when you wake." He said to the air. "But know that I would like to."

It's true. He wanted to be there, wants her to see him in the first few moments after she wakes so she knows she's safe. He wanted to be able to feel her in the force again, to be able to steady her or comfort her or be whatever she needs. He wanted his daugh- padawan, no, friend back. 

It's selfish, he knew, but he can not stop his feelings more than he can stop a tide. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


The next time he hears about Depa, Mace is off world. The halls of healing contact him, the message simply reading: _ Master Billaba remains unresponsive. She has been placed in statis. _

Statis. A bacta tank, but for the purpose of preservation instead of healing. It's normally used to hold dead bodies. 

The knowledge hurts. It burns just under his ribs as he finishes his mission, helps tend to wounds and sees that the bodies of his men are taken care of. It simmers as he reports to the council and the Chancellor and when he finally makes it back to the temple and sets foot in his home.

He immediately turns his steps towards the halls of healing. He still hasn't slept, but he needs to be there, just to calm his mind and heart.

So he goes, nodding at the Padawan at the desk as he passes and makes his way to the first room on the right. Entering, the bright blue of the status tank immediately caught his eye. His Padawan floats within, still and quiet

. 

Mace moves to stand at the side of the tank, positioning himself so that he can see her face. For a while he just watched her breathe through the oxygen mask, her chest rising and falling methodically. 

He doesn't speak. He has no words. He could say how much he missed her, how much he wished that she could open her eyes and be healed. But what would it matter? She can't hear him in her sleep. 

So instead he sits on the lone stool in the room, crossing his legs and closing his eyes. He sinks into meditation, and the first thing he does is stretch his mind out towards the dim life-pulse of Depa. He tries to reach her wherever she is, but her presence is dull and unmoving. He feels nothing of her light, the gentleness of her spirit or the flow of her thoughts.

The realization gives him a feeling of hope lost like a stone falling to the pit of his stomach.

_ It has been two months and she hasn't woken. She probably never will.  _

No, he couldn't think like that. She would wake. As long as her body lived, Depa lived. And one day, as soon as the force willed, she would wake. 

Mace will wait for her as long as he can.


	3. Chapter 3

Three months, no change. 

_ The Sith apprentice that had killed Qui-Gon is back, Kenobi goes to deal with him and comes back with his jaw set and eyes dark with grief. Mace never asks what happend. _

Four months, no change. 

_ Padawan Tano is framed for bombing the temple; the culprit is another Padawan. How far have they fallen, that their children are moved to homicide to try and make their voices heard? _

Five months, no change.

_ A clone kills a Jedi and no one knows why. The shatterpoints around the event are large and all encompassing. Mace keeps quiet about it. They can not afford mistrust, not now. _

Six months…

"A full recovery?" Mace repeated the med droids words, finally allowing himself to hope. By the time that he had gotten the call and managed to escape the council meeting both Yoda and Obi-Wan had decided to come with him. (He personally didn't mind at all, if anything he was glad.) Depa had already been examined and sent to wash up so they stood waiting for her, listening to the droids report. 

"Physically, yes." The droid monotoned. "But mentally I cannot say."

"Then why not go to the source?"

Mace had felt her coming before she opened the door, but to hear her voice, still slightly hoarse from disuse, filled his heart with relief. 

Depa strode gracefully into the room, arms raised to smooth her damp hair away from her face and bathrobe.

"My mental state is fine." She said. "Nothing like six months in a coma to give one time to relax." 

Mace frowned. She was playing off the experience of clinically dying eight different times and having been comatose with a steadily decreasing probability of ever waking much too lightly to be "fine." 

"You are being glib." He said, because he was still far too concerned to tell her how glad he was to see her. 

"Perhaps not the most attractive quality in a Jedi Master." Yoda added, and Mace saw Depa's eyes shift as she took in his meaning. Depa would again have to prove herself worthy of the title "Master."

"Perhaps not, Masters." She seceded, the hint of flippancy gone from her tone. She bowed her head, her lips pressing together in contrition. "My apologies."

Mace met her gaze and they looked at each other for a beat. Her eyes had changed. They were deep with guilt, and uncertainty flickered around the edges, threatening to take over the steady confidence she was trying to show.

She looked away to greet Kenobi and Mace turned to Yoda, who was gazing at her somberly. 

"Tested, she must be." The old one said, and Mace nodded in agreement. 

"A full fitness assessment: physical, mental, emotional..." He had no doubt that she would pass the first two, but the latter he wasn't so sure. A small, selfish part of him didn't want her to, so she could stay safe in the temple and not get injured so severely again; so he could be sure that he would not lose her to the war that had already taken so many others.

"But we'll let you get dressed first." Obi-Wan said, still smiling under his beard as he has been this whole time. 

Mace doesn't miss how her lips quirked at the man's statement, and he quickly swallows down the emotion the sight of it brings him. 

"Thank you, my friend." She answered deadpan, and took a few strides to pick up the standard issue tunic, leggings, and robe that had been set out for her and disappeared back into the fresher.

The moment the door shut both Yoda and Obi wan turned to look at him, eyes prodding trying to read his emotions. 

He slammed his face to be expressionless on instinct. What he's feeling is no business of theirs. While Depa was still in the coma he had broken down to them both to varying levels, so they knew how much he had worried for her. Considering the current situation, it should be easy enough to assume that he was relieved. 

In all truth, Mace was a bit overwhelmed by the entire ordeal. He won't admit that aloud though, so he breathed in, breathed out, then told them the obvious so they will leave him alone. 

"I'm glad."

Yoda and Obi-Wan shared a look, the one he dislikes that says  _ oh, Mace  _ in an exasperated, almost pitying manner. 

"We're all glad." Obi-Wan agreed. "It's nothing short of a miracle."

"Will of the force, it is." Yoda inserted. "Woke she did, for the initiate. The force is drawing them together."

Kenobi hummed and looked contemplative. Mace personally didn't doubt that Yoda was wrong, but wondered if Depa would be so willing to believe it.

He changed the subject. "The tests."

"Yes." Obi-Wan rolled the hair of his beard between his fingers. "It should be fairly straightforward but- I'm not aware of any protocol to determine the worthiness of a current council member"

"We'll need time." Mace added. "For the council to design them and for her to prepare."

"At the very least, we'll need some baseline assessments." The youngest Master said. "Physical fitness we have, Mental and emotional we can get, but for the force…" he trailed off, looking to Mace and Yoda for ideas. 

"For that, assess her now we can." Yoda decided. Mace nodded in agreement, and the three of them turned as the refresher door slid open and Depa re-emerged, dressed in her standard robes.

"Depa," Mace asked as she approached. "How is your connection to the force?"

She met his eyes steadily, her answer swift but measured. "It is stable as it always has been." To prove her point she extended her presence, letting it ripple in the force around him, Yoda, and Obi-Wan. Mace very deliberately didn't give in to the temptation to reach back because it would not be appropriate for the situation, but still his chest swelled and it was a bit harder to get his next words out of his throat. 

"And telekinesis?"

"I haven't tried." 

He looked at Yoda, then Obi-Wan, they both had the same thoughtful look on their faces and offered no objection or suggestion so he scanned the room for a moment, looking for something of a decent size that is not too heavy or could be too hazardous if damaged. 

_ There.  _

He steps back, giving her space and gestures. "The med droid." 

Said droid made an offended sound. "I am a medical droid not a-"

"This is a medical matter." Obi-Wan cut it off. "We need your assistance to evaluate a level of Master Billaba's well being that you can not measure. Surely you are able to assist."

The droid quieted immediately, and Mace inwardly rolled his eyes at the fact that Obi Wan Kenobi just sweet talked a droid into doing his bidding. He really shouldn't be surprised anymore, given the man's reputation. 

He turned his full attention back to Depa, who had closed her eyes for a beat, centering herself, before she looked to Mace for the go-ahead. He nodded, checking to make sure that his colleagues were ready to become damage control if things go wrong. 

She exhaled evenly, then raised both hands. The force rippled, as if reaclimating to her unique touch, then the med droid rose until it's base was just as high as Mace's head and floated steadily. 

Mace waited, letting the seconds pass to see if her control would waver. It didn't, and after thirty seconds Obi-Wan quirked an eyebrow at him. Mace looked to Yoda, and after a long moment of thought the Grandmaster nodded. She will be tested and, if deemed worthy by the council, regain her seat

Mace had absolute faith that she would. He could only hope that she had the same amount of trust in herself.


	4. Chapter 4

Depa was released from the halls of healing while Mace was at a meeting with the Chancellor. When he had gotten back to the temple he had immediately gone to the medbay to finally speak to her privately, only for the padawan at the desk to stop him before he could enter and tell him that she was released. The news both relieved and alarmed him because she had only been awake two days and surely she shouldn't have been released so soon. But he didn't question the Padawan, just thanked them and made his way to the residential wing. 

His heart pounded a bit too loudly as he knocked on her door and he sensed movement on the other side. The familiar shine of her presence flared as she checked who was standing outside before she opened it, bowing. 

"Master Windu."

Mace felt his face twist in emotion as he looked at her, wanting to convey how he wasn't coming to her as a council member but just as Mace; how scared he had been that she wouldn't wake and he would never be able to speak to her again. He had  _ missed _ her these past six months, and he was glad from the bottom of his heart to have her back.

But the words caught in his chest, and all he could say was "Depa." 

She must have read the expression on his face, because she stepped aside, gestured him in and closed the door before turning to him and opening her arms. 

Mace willingly, almost desperately, stepped forward, pulled her against his chest, and held her there.

He knew that to act off of such strong emotion is unbecoming of a Jedi Master of his rank and responsibilities, but Depa accepted the embrace without question so for a long second he could do nothing but just stand there with her held tightly in his arms. The warm, solid feeling of her body against his was cathartic, and finally the crippling worry that had plagued him for six months like a stone in his chest dissolved and he could breathe just a bit easier. 

He let her go and stepped back, his hand lingering on her shoulder long enough that she shot him a small, sad smile because she surely could feel all of the feelings he had just released into the force. 

"I'm alright." She said softly to reassure him, and Mace nodded, unable to form words just yet, and looked her over carefully. She had lost muscle and her body was still thin, making her tunics hang loose on her frame. But her stance was firm and balanced and her posture straight, showing no signs of pain.

"I'm glad to have you back." He managed. He wouldn't say how afraid he had been, because the fears are unfounded now. Those feelings were in the past, and there they shall remain. 

She nodded in response. Not agreeing, he noticed, just acknowledging. "Much has changed."

Now Mace nodded. "You've read the reports of the last six months?" It's a rhetorical question, because by the brooding look in her eyes he can tell that she had.

"Clone trooper fives…" Depa said. "His case was summed up to "a psychotic breakdown."" She looks at him carefully as she says it, watching his reaction. "But you don't believe it to be so."

"Many Jedi don't." Mace replied, carefully dodging the question. "But the investigation returned nothing, and that sort of mistrust between us and the troops-"

"-we can't afford." She finished for him, her eyes going distant and Mace knows what she's thinking. She's wondering if her remaining troops will trust her, if they will even consent to be under her command again or if she will have to start anew. 

Mace has nothing to offer in that regard, so he stays quiet, looking around her quarters, gazing at the small fountain she bought and installed herself almost ten years ago now. The sound of water always has helped her meditate; she had told him once, when she was still a Padawan, that it helped her "to mix her thoughts in with the water, and let them flow away."

If only it were so easy to let go of guilt. 

"How are you adjusting?" He asked, breaking the silence. 

She blinked at him, coming out of her own thoughts, and twitched a shoulder in a shrug. "Well enough. I've been able to run a few katas and train with droids with no difficulty."

It's a clear invitation, and Mace has to admit that he's more than eager to take it. 

"When you're in need of a sparring partner let me know" He says. Depa quirked one side of her lips up into a half smile at him, teasing for his enthusiasm and he's again flooded with relief. His Padawan and friend is back. 

"Don't worry, Mace." She responds, voice light and lilting. "You'll be the first one I'll call."


	5. Chapter 5

The tests the council throw at Depa are difficult, designed to push her and target the exact places of her mind that had been shaken during the battle for Haruun Kal. Mace is the one that designs them, knowing her weaknesses and shatterpoints all too well.

For the saber test she is blindfolded, he and Kenobi against her. Obi-Wan is the first to strike, goinglow, for the spot on her ribs where she had been stabbed. She blocks it effortlessly, even as Mace throws himself up and over her head to attack from behind. In doing so he catches half a sense of a flash of memory: the smell of jungle, the moans of dying men, the flash of too many sabers to count-

She fights through it, mentally and physically, and Mace knows that she's ready. 

  
  


\------------

  
  


Depa regains her seat, as Mace knew she would. She's still recovering, though, hiding from her fear. When he and Yoda ask her about it in front of the council she openly admits it, and Mace doesn't miss the glance of uncertainty that Master Kolar flashes at him. He ignores it though,because the decision had already been unanimously made. Master Kenobi welcomes Depa back, and they proceed.

When the meeting ends Depa remains in her seat and catches his eye before he leaves, so he sits back down and waits until their colleagues have filtered out before approaching her. 

"There's something you want to speak about."

Depa looked at him steadily, in the way that she does when she's weighing her words, knowing they will make an impact. 

"Prosset Dibs."

Dibs. The man had practically gone dark on one of the earliest missions of the war. He had too much doubt about the path the Jedi were going down, too much fear at where it would lead, and it consumed him. Depa too, has expressed her concerns. And while she's confirmed mentally and emotionally fit for duty, hearing the thoughtful way she speaks Prosset Dibs's name makes unease grow in his gut, before he breathed it away and answered her. 

"Explain."

A light in her eyes turned on, determination and desperation and something else that Mace can't read.

"You cannot honestly say that the Order has made the right decision becoming generals. The proof is all around us. We are fighting in a way that we will never truly win. The fact proves itself when you look at the losses of Jedi and clones."

Mace sighed heavily "You say this because of Haruun Kal." 

"Yes." Depa lowered her head, her hand reaching up subconsciously to brush her ribcage, where the saber had burned its way through her flesh. "My worldview has been changed by what happened there. I- When I felt my men dying so quickly, so many at once, I almost lost myself in Vaapad... It made me aware that in the end we fall, to death or to darkness. Over a hundred Jedi have died; and remember the three who have Turned."

"Four." Mace corrected.

"Four? "

"While you were in the coma, Master Krell fell and was executed on the battlefield. "

The younger Master's face went blank as she processed the news. "Oh. "

"It was a shock, but it turned out for the best. His battalion had a 66% casualty rate, now they have better leadership"

Mace realized his mistake as soon as the words left his mouth. Depa said nothing, but her eyes went dark and her lips pressed together into a thin line.

"I'm sorry," He started. "I didn't mean to-"

"I know." Depa bit her lip and closed her eyes, a habit Mace knew was to keep herself from falling apart. But he could see the concealed emotion on her face so he reached out, offering a stream of comfort in the force for her to hold on to. 

She did, and for a moment she let him see the hurricane in her heart of blame, guilt, and fear, so much fear. His own heart ached for her and the burden she would carry until she died.

"You were strong enough to survive." He said at last, trying to fill the heavy silence that hung in the air. "So you are strong enough to move forward." He almost said 'move on' but quickly changed his wording. The pain she went through and losses she felt... They were not something anyone, not even a jedi, could just "move on" from.

Depa took a deliberate breath and opened her eyes. "I am not the warrior I was." She said softly. "I will never have the confidence I had before. I fear that if- that  _ when _ I go back into the war I will not be able to be the leader my men need me to be. "

_ The leader they needed me to be. _ Depa left unspoken, but Mace felt it anyway. 

"You know that they would forgive you." He said slowly. "I hope you will forgive yourself one day as well."

"Thank you, but I doubt it." Depa replied softly, briefly closing her eyes again. The gesture held so much pain in it that his heart ached for her. "You know the sorrow I speak of."

Mace did know all too well the deep feelings of guilt and grief that tore at his soul day and night, burning with every reminder of the war that he had failed to prevent. 

It was something that he had resigned himself to spending the rest of his life with. And now as a result of his mistake Depa had a similar burden to bear. 

Before he had time to mull over the thought, his Padawan let out a light sigh and pushed herself up out of her chair, but when she stood her body suddenly swung perilously to one side. Mace was on his feet and had a hand on her arm in support before he could blink. 

He peered down at her. Depa was frowning, looking frustrated. Had this happened before?

"You're off balance." He said, and she sighed. 

"I am. It seems to happen only when I am resting, or rather- not active for a period of time. It shouldn't be permanent, though."

It shouldn't, provided she got enough physical therapy and rest. But in this reality there was no time for such luxuries. (Since when healthcare became a luxury he did not know, but the general rule in the temple at the moment was that as long as a person's injuries didn't affect their ability to fight or make decisions, any further treatment was considered an extra and therefore not explicitly necessary.) Another product of this blasted war. Had Depa been this injured not three years ago, she would most likely be in extensive mental and physical therapy for months yet before being cleared to go back out on the field. 

She knew that too, but it couldn't be helped. She shook him off with a muttered "I'm alright." and stepped to the door. Mace fell into step beside her and they entered the lift in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. 

Mace was thinking about how much she had changed since coming out of the coma, how broken and- not timid… Cautious, perhaps, or unsure of her own ability. It was such a contrast to the confident, intense woman she had been. 

Mace caught the thought as it passed and scowled to himself. It was unfair of him to compare Depa now to the way she had been in the past. She had been through so much, of course she had changed. The last thing she needed was unacceptance from him. 

Still, he couldn't help but worry about her. If she lacked surety in herself of the battlefield it would only lead to another failure, and Mace wasn't sure that she would be able to take it. 

His former padawan's voice pulled him out of the dark trail his thoughts were heading down.

"Master Yoda pulled me aside earlier." She said, watching the lights of the city blur as they descended to the main level of the temple. "He said that I might be interested in observing some of the new initiates. I'm going now to observe one of their classes."

Mace just hummed lieu of responding immediately. She wanted to know if it was something that he and Yoda had talked about, and his opinion on her taking on a Padawan at such a time. 

They had. Yoda had deemed her taking on a Padawan necessary. "Good for her, will it be." He had croaked. "Healing."

"Yes, I was going to do the same." He said eventually. "They all show great promise." 

"I wasn't aware you were looking to take on another student, Master." His padawan responded calmly.

"I feel no such impulse from the force to do so." He replied in kind. "Do you?"

Depa gave half a shrug as the lift slowed to a stop, lowering her gaze to the ground in a gesture of insecurity that Mace hadn't seen since she had been knighted. She clearly didn't want to discuss it, so he didn't pry. 

"I know that you will make a wonderful Master, when the time is right." He said, because he felt that it was important for her to hear.

The doors opened, and they stepped together into the great hall. 

"I doubt that any initiate would want me as their Master." She confessed softly, as to not be overheard by the few other Jedi around them.

Mace scowled at that. He had heard the rumour going around the temple, that "Master Billaba is "damaged goods."" It angered him to no end, the almost disdainful way the phrase was whispered among the padawans and young knights. Even worse that, removing both their disparaging bias and Mace's own and looking at the situation in an objective light, they were right. In any other war, if Depa had not been a Jedi, she would most likely never be granted such a level of command again.

But he will never say that aloud, to her or anyone, if he can help it. "It was an initiate that woke you from the coma." He said instead.

She tilted her head in a nod but said nothing more. 

"Will you take him on?" He asked bluntly. Depa shot him a look, slightly startled at his question but in answer she just sighs. 

"I have my doubts." 

"Doubts about him? Or yourself?"

Depa's lips thinned, and she doesn't quite match his gaze. But their conversation is over because they enter the classroom, where Master Luminara and a knight Mace doest recognize are already observing Master Nu explain to the initiates the process of how padawans are chosen. It's a lecture Mace has heard tens of times, has given several of those times, so he pays no attention to the words, just watches, feeling how Depa's interest flickered over all of them before settling on the human boy, Caleb, whose hand was up and waving in the air. 

"Why?" The initiate asks, and the tone immediately makes Mace frown. He doesn't mind younglings, he enjoys their company most of the time. But the question is unneeded considering the successful history of the method. 

On his left he felt Depa's amusement and knew without looking she'd brought a hand up to her mouth to hide a smile. 

It was good that this initiative makes her smile. Master Yoda was right, they were a very good match. Caleb is far too questioning for Mace's own sanity, but for Depa… He hoped she would come to her senses and realize that the force had brought them together. It's true, he has doubted whether it was a good decision for her to take on a Padawan. But now, when Master Nu opens the floor for any interested knights or masters and Depa steps forwards, it's clear that it's right.


	6. Chapter 6

Mace is with Obi-Wan when it happens. They're sharing a drink as they ride back from the clone barracks and the stairway of the temple has just come fully into sight when the force tenses, then spikes in sharp alarm. Then they see the explosion, blooming up on the residential side of the temple and bathing the side in golden-orange fire light.

Mace's heart freezes, his hands tightening on the steering, hearing Obi-Wan's sharp gasp beside him as they both reach towards the temple in the force and feel the flares of panic. 

Mace clenches his jaw, guides the speeder to rise above the traffic lane and pushes the engines to their limits.

They're back at the temple in under two minutes, but in the time it took to get there three more visible explosions have happened and Master Yoda is outside along with some other Jedi, holding nano droids in the air with the force and sending them up and out of harm's way to explode. They seem to have it under control, so he and Obi-Wan rush together toward the epicenter of the temple, passing Master Drallig along the way.

"The younglings?" Obi wan inquires as they run by. 

"Safe enough, considering there are explosions throughout the temple." 

"And the source of the attacks?" Mace asks.

"Unknown." Comes the answer, and they rush on, passing padawans, knights, and masters all with their sabers at the ready, leaping and twisting in the air to slice the explosives in half before they can go off. 

"They're all coming from above." Obi-Wan tells him. "The attacker must be on the roof."

"Let's go." Mace says, stretching his sense up above. He feels the hurt and shock of Jedi who couldn't get out of the way in time, and farther up cold malice. There's the attacker. But approaching them is a small presence, a  _ child- _ full of determination and a good amount of fear…

Another explosion sounds from above. 

"Obi-Wan." He shouts, presses an access panel in the wall that he had found when exploring the temple as a Padawan. It reveals stairs that lead directly up to the roof. "I've located the attacker. There's a child with them. Probably some Padawan trying to play hero."

"Force help us." Obi-Wan returns, and although his tone is tired they're both leaping up the stairs with force enhanced speed, and Mace reaches out again, praying that the child's alright. This time he feels a presence he knows, burning with calm and intense determination. 

"Depa's up there." 

"Do you think she can handle it?" Kenobi asks, another explosion ringing in their ears, although this time there are no sounds of destruction in its wake. 

Mace feels the protectiveness in her presence that leaves no room for uncertainty, he hopes it lasts.

  
  


"She's going to have to."

  
  
  


\--------

  
  


Even throughout the cleanup project, press release, and emergency meetings, Mace and Depa don't have time to talk until the night after the bombing. And when she pulls Mace aside the quirk of her smile gives the news away before she can say it aloud 

"I'm going to take him on." 

For the first time in a long time, Mace feels like smiling. He tries, and thinks that the edges of his lips tilt upwards the slightest bit. 

"Good." He says, placing a hand on her shoulder and squeezing hard. "Force be with you in this."

_ Because you're going to need it, with that boy. _ He leaves unsaid. But Depa knows he thinks it and narrows her eyes playfully at him before she sobers. 

"But before I can… I'm going to need to leave the temple for a while."

That catches Mace by surprise, but after a moment of consideration, and aided by the look in her eyes he understands why. 

She needs to go see the few of her men from her original battalion who survived. The last Mace had heard of them they'd been working in the facilities on Kamino, so she'll be gone for some time. But Mace understands that she needs this, It's the final step of closure for her. 

"When are you leaving?" He asks. 

"This afternoon. I've contacted Shaak, she's sending them to meet me halfway."

Mace nods, feeling twinges of concern for her because he knows it will be hard. Part of him wishes that he could go with her to support her but he knows that this is hers and hers alone to do. 

"Safe travels." He says, wanting to hug her but knowing it would be inappropriate here in the open, public halls, so he settles for brushing his mind against her presence, the mental equivalent of reaching out and squeezing her hand. 

She smiles at him. "Thank you, you as well."

Mace raises an eyebrow at her as he bows his head in parting. He hadn't thought that he would be going anywhere soon, but Depa's capacity for casual precognition is much greater than his so he doesn't question it. 

She annoyingly doesn't elaborate either, just bows in return, her face all mischief and teasing before she turns and glides away.

_ Brat.  _ He growls in his mind, but even as he thinks it, something about the exchange makes Mace's throat grow tight with emotion. It was so… normal. So comfortable and automatic after months when he didn't think that he would ever be able to speak to her again. 

It's a little spot of brightness in this otherwise dark Galaxy. Mace grabs it, stores it in his heart. They all need any light they can get.


	7. Chapter 7

Depa waits in a conference room onboard a republic cruiser to meet her surviving men. Their ship had just docked, so she still had a few minutes to steady herself. Leaving Corescaunt had been... something. Uneventful, but there were looks of wariness, almost distrust in the clones that she encountered. Although all of her exchanges with them had been respectful, she fears that she will see the same look on her men's face. 

It hurts even to imagine it, so she doesn't, the thought still hovers in the back of her mind, a 

possibility that she knows would cut deep, and she is apprehensive of the pain it would bring. 

The door opens, and two men walk in. Her breath catches for a moment because there should be four but the door shuts behind the pair. What had happened? She manages to breathe through the moment of anxiety and looks. 

It's Grey. Beautiful, strong Grey who she had last seen when she had yelled at him to run. He has a scar now, a long one, slanting from his forehead to his cheek. How badly had he been hurt? 

He comes to a stop a respectful distance in front of her, and she recognizes Styles behind him as they both snap into a salute.

"General." Grey says, voice deep and even, conveying nothing. In the force he feels closed off, and it just makes the fear in her heart grow stronger when he doesn't quite meet her eyes.

She looks at Styles and he is much more open; happiness, concern, and solemnity mixed at once in his eyes. Both men meet her gaze steadily, and it's enough for her to find her voice without having to conceal any emotion.

"Commander Grey. Captain Styles. It's good to see you again." 

Something about Grey shifts when she speaks, and she watches him for a moment, concerned, but it's Styles who answers.

"It's good to see you again, Sir."

Grey's still closed off to her, he's forcing his feelings deep down where she can't feel them and she wonders if he really trusts her as much as it first appeared. It doesn't matter, she tells herself. She needs to say what she came here to say either way.

"I'm sorry." She says quietly. "That I couldn't protect you and your brothers."

Her voice seems to snap Grey out of wherever he was. He opens his mouth to speak, but Depa raises a hand to stop him because she needs to say this, even if it's purely for her own sake. "I take full responsibility for all of their deaths, as I should."

"General, you did all you could." Styles says, and he truly believes every word he's saying. "If anything, we're the ones to blame. You almost died."

"What happened was not caused by any mistake of yours." They can't argue with that, her men had died following her orders. "And I owe you both my life."

"We're just happy you're alive, sir." The way Grey says it, how this time he looks her straight in the eyes so she can see and feel how relieved he is, tells her that he does not blame her for anything, not even in the deepest part of his mind or heart. 

The knowledge makes the weight in her chest grow heavier, because she truly does not deserve the unwavering faith, unconditional support that he gives her.

Styles clears his throat, and the sound makes Depa realize that she's just been staring into Grey eyes silently for the past few seconds and she turns abruptly to Styles, seeing Grey blink, then shake his head as if trying to clear his vision out of the corner of her eye.

"We were all worried for you, General." Styles says. "Once you were taken to the Jedi Temple we got shipped out to Kamino to recover and didn't hear anything about you for weeks. We ended up having to talk Grey into asking General Ti for an update."

Depa kept her face open and neutral, acknowledging the feelings that welled up upon hearing the implication that Grey himself did not want to hear about her state and putting it aside for later consideration. "We?" She asked instead, feeling relief again because his words indicate that there indeed are four of her men still alive (Four out of hundreds, what a massive failure.) After she woke she hadn't known who specifically other than Grey.

"Myself, Soot and Big Mouth. They send their regards and an apology that they couldn't be here, they're covering for us on Kamino."

"That's very kind of them." She responded, looking from him to Grey. "If all goes well I should see them soon, for I've been cleared to return to the front."

Styles brightens at her words, but Grey's eyes narrow slightly. 

"So soon, sir?"

"Yes." She leaves no room in her response for his concern. "I have been assessed and cleared by both the healers and the high council." Just barely by the healers, but they didn't need to know that.

"However," She continues, "There will be one major change. I have taken on a padawan." 

This time Styles frowns in thought, and Grey's eyes spark with interest. Depa can see, almost feel his mind working, sorting out the logistics and categorizing every possible change and need. It's the exact reaction she knew he would have, but it still eases her mind to see it. She is nervous about taking Caleb out to the front because although he's eager and skilled he is inexperienced. She fears that she alone will not be able to give him the attention he needs while she's busy with her duties as a general. But now she's sure that between herself and Grey he'll be well taken care of. 

"His name is Caleb Dume." She tells them, smiling despite herself as she thinks of him. "He's human, twelve years old."

"Twelve?" Styles bursts out, and Depa wonders, not for the first time, why he is not the one with the name Big Mouth. "For a nat-born that's the shiniest a shiny can get!"

"He is young." Depa concedes. "But he's smart, skilled, a natural strategist-" She chuckles to herself. "And asks more questions than anybody you'll ever meet."

Grey huffs at that. He's smiling now, eyes crinkling around his scar. "We can handle that." 


	8. Chapter 8

When Depa gets back to the temple she spends a day in meditation, seeking guidance from the force for the path that she has set out before her, The next morning she rises with a renewed sense of certainty, and goes before the council (or rather, Yoda and Kit, who are the only members currently on planet) officially takes on Caleb Dume as her padawan learner.

Mace isn't there unfortunately, having left only a day before on an impromptu mission to Bardotta. Had it not been wartime she would have waited, but she has less than three weeks to establish a bond with Caleb and makes sure he is prepared to accompany her on the battlefield. It's a daunting task, because although the boy is smart and skilled for his age, there is only so much that she can do to prepare him for the horrors of war. 

She does all she can, takes him on a training mission to a small temple on a Mid-rim moon and drills him endlessly in Soresou. She teaches him the basic battle strategies that she and Grey tend to use, basic force healing, and everything else she can crammed into the small amount of time they have. He takes it all in with remarkable speed and keeps up with the ruthless pace she sets, never once complaining. He's only been her padawan for two weeks and she's already so deeply proud of him.

For his final test before they ship out she takes him to Ilum. It is here that ,for the first time in fourteen days, they're separate. Caleb goes into the caves and she settles in the antechamber to meditate.

Depa breathes in and reaches for the force, feeling how it's so strong here on Ilum. It rages like a river and she dives in, going deeper and deeper until she sinks completely into a vision.

She sees the faces of all of her men, faces frozen in the way that they died, fear, pain, shock, echoed over and over on identical faces that once housed individuals, different lights in the force extinguished. The sight makes her want to scream, to cry and beg for their forgiveness.

She doesn't, because what's done is done. She can not change the past, only mourn the lives lost. As if knowing that she's made her decision, the faces change. Their eyes close, their mouths shut, and their faces become pale and waxy until they look like death itself.

"You did this." Says a voice from somewhere beyond her span of vision. "You did this."

"I know." Depa replies. The faces begin to shrivel, starting to decay. The sight makes her feel sick but she still can do nothing but watch. 

"Why?" The voice asks. "Why would you throw their lives away?"

The cartilage of their faces, pieces of their ears and noses, start falling off in chunks. 

"I did what I thought was best at the time." She responded, remembering when Slap had commed and reported that their eastern flank was being overwhelmed. She had told him to keep pressing forwards, they would be there to assist in minutes. She had been so sure, so confident that they would win this battle like they had all the others. "I was wrong."

"You were arrogant. " The voice hisses. "Stupid. Weak."

The remaining flesh on the dead men's faces begins to be eaten away, turning shades of yellow, brown, then black as bacteria consumes it. 

"What I was doesn't matter." Depa says, somehow managing to swallow down the bile rising in her throat. "I accept the responsibility for their deaths, I admit my failure."

It's taken hours upon hours of meditation and mourning to be able to say those words, but it's not enough to make the vision dissipate. 

"You will fail again! You will do nothing but tell your men to die, just as you did before. You-"

"If I do." She cuts off the sharp accusations refusing to let them take hold of her even as they strike on every fear and insecurity Haruun Kal has given her. "Then so be it. But I am not the same person I was before."

The voice laughs, sickly sweet. "You are a broken-"

"Enough." 

There is nothing but bone left of the men she used to command, bone that crumbles into dust and falls away. 

The vision ends. Depa opens her eyes to the entrance chamber of the Crystal Caves; all is still, all is quiet. It is peaceful, the cold air cleansing in her lungs. Cleansing like the tears she had shed those first few days after she woke and the solemn ritual of taking apart and reassembling her lightsaber, like Caleb's bright eyes that look up at her with nothing but wonder. 

The force has given her a second chance. She will take it, not only because she has no choice, but for the lives of those she killed. She will live because they can not, because they died trusting her, and the few who live remaining still trust her. So it is the least she can do is have faith in herself to not fail again

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

After four hours Caleb comes walking out of the cave, steps quick but hesitant. It's clear that he's shaken, and when she reaches through their new bond to offer a tread of comfort he practically scrambles to be close to her presence. 

She stands, waits for him to stop in front of her, and lays a hand on his shoulder as he bows low. 

"Padawan." She greets him. "Did you find what you came for?"

"Yes, Master." He opens his hand to reveal a crystal, one that's rod-shaped, almost perfectly symmetrical except for an edge jutting out from one side. It hums in the force, already attuning itself to Caleb. 

"Well done, Padawan." She praises, and the fact that his face doesn't immediately light up at her words is just confirmation that something is distressing him. "You have passed your first test, the first of many you will ensure on your path to knighthood."

He nods, brow wrinkled as he frowns, looking deeply into the crystal in his hand before twisting to turn his eyes on her. 

"Master, will the tests just get more difficult?"

Depa turns, ushering him alongside to begin the walk back to the ship. 

"Difficulty is relative, Caleb. They will all be challenging, testing everything you know and pushing you to and past the limit of your abilities. Some things will always be harrowing, but others you will overcome."

"But what if- What if it's too much?"

The nature of the question disturbs her, because a Padawan as young and eager as he should not have this kind of concern, that a test would overwhelm him to the point that he could not even think of being able to keep going. 

"What did you see?" She asks instead of answering his question, because in all truth she has no one answer. She wants to help him through this though, because it's an important lesson to learn, once she only recently completed herself. 

"I was in the caves, looking for my crystal and I thought I heard voices calling me." Her Padawan begins hesitantly. The ship is in view now, just at the bottom of the hill they're on. 

"I followed them, and they got loud and then all of the sudden just stopped and-" Caleb wraps his robes tighter around himself, and from the corner of her eye Depa can just see the glint of his crystal in his hand. 

"I was alone, Master. There was nobody left in the force, not even you. And I kept trying to reach you but it was so quiet and still, like everyone in the force was gone." His voice cracks and he starts to shiver. Depa hastens her last few steps to the ramp of their ship, wanting to get him inside into the warmth. Caleb follows closely behind her, like he's afraid to be more than a few meters away from her, and the more he speaks the more Depa can see why. 

"The silence- it was suffocating me. It was like something was pressing on me from all sides and I couldn't stand anymore. I tried to yell but there was no sound. I kept trying and trying until my throat hurt, but I couldn't break the silence and it wouldn't stop pushing me down."

Caleb's getting frantic now, his eyes wide as he recounts what he experienced. Depa stops him before he can work himself into a panic. 

"Caleb, breathe. Find your center."

He looks at her like he's about to cry, and it takes considerable effort for her not to grab his shoulders, sit him down, and meditate with him until he's not distressed anymore. But she doesn't. Instead she sheds her snow covered outer robe and boots and waits for him to calm down. By the time she's taken off her outermost layer he's still standing in the same place with his eyes closed, breathing deeply. She leaves him there and goes to the cockpit of the ship, knowing he'll join her when he's ready. 

  
  


\----------

  
  


When Mace gets back to the temple Depa is not there, having taken her new padawan to Ilum to construct his new lightsaber before they return to the front. It's unfortunate, he thinks, that he will not be able to spend more time with the newest member of their lineage. Normally, the first few weeks of an apprenticeship are filled with meals and training sessions including as many generations of a lineage as possible, introducing the new padawan to the traditions of the lineage. 

But these are not normal times. Depa and Caleb are shipping out the next day to Karoda, and likely will not be back at the temple for weeks. Mace is swamped by as much work as usual but he refuses to forego tradition entirely, so he manages to scrape together an hour to meet with Depa and her padawan after they return. 

They arrive a bit later than scheduled, and Mace ends up waiting for them at the landing platform as their ship descends. The ramp lowers, and Depa smiles when she sees him, brushing his mind in greeting. Mace reciprocates the gesture, watching Caleb as he emerges just behind her. The boy's presence flares in excitement when he spots Mace, eyes widening he follows his Master over. 

Depa nods in greeting, then reaches out a hand to steer the boy in front of her. "Padawan," She says, mostly for tradition's sake because the boy knows who Mace is. "Meet your Grandmaster."

"Master Windu!" Caleb bows low. Mace can feel how nervous the boy is, how hard he's trying to make a good impression to prove that he's worthy of being part of the lineage. He softens his expression from its normal neutrality to something a bit softer to show that there's no need for Caleb to be so dramatic. 

"Call me Master Mace, it's what your Master did."

The padawan bows again in acknowledgement, eyes a startlingly bright blue as he lifts his head and opens his mouth. 

"But Master Wind- Master Mace, shouldn't it technically be  _ Grandmaster _ Mace?"

Mace is very pointendly  _ not _ annoyed at the question, and ignores the way Depas eyes laugh at him as he answers. 

"Is that a poke at my age, Padawan?"

Caleb's eyes widen comically. "No, Master Windu! I mean- Master Mace! I just thought since you trained Master Billaba and she's my master then that makes you-"

"Caleb." Depa cuts off his tirade. "He's teasing you."

"Oh." The boy looks from his Master to Mace for confirmation, and Mace manages a chuckle, and briefly sets a hand on Caleb's shoulder. "Grandmaster Mace is fine. Now tell me, Grandpadawan, what have you learned under Master Billaba's tutelage so far?"

Caleb's eyes light up at the question, and he takes a breath in preparation. Mace catches Depa's eye and knows that this split second of silence is the last he'll have for a while. Mace doesn't mind at all.


	10. Chapter 10

The battle of Karoda is won. It was difficult. There were more losses than there should have been and Depa counts each one of them as another reminder of her failure. But it's over. Injuries are minimal, the worst being of her own Padawan. She had felt fear like never before when she had felt him get shot, and it had taken all of her willpower to keep going and trust that her men would keep him safe. Her trust was not unfounded. The trooper that defended him from certain death earned a name for his valour, and Caleb is picked up by medical before she even makes it back to the main group. 

It's been hours since Depa last saw him, and she would be lying if she wasn't anxious. Her heart beats a little too fast to be considered normal until she sees Caleb, peaceful and in no pain under the sedatives. Then she can finally release her worry into the force and center herself into the calm Jedi Master she is supposed to be.

Grey is standing at the doorway, leaning against the wall, and she moves to stand next to him and waits for him to speak. He does after a few beats of silence, keeping his eyes trained on where Caleb floats, asleep. 

"The kid's tough."

Depa just hums in agreement, because she knows Grey, and the observation is just a prelude to what he truly means. 

"But tough doesn't protect you from laser bolts." Now he turns to look at her, and his eyes are full of self-directed frustration turned determination. "This won't happen again, General."

"He will get hurt, Grey. It's part of the training process."

"I mean that he won't be running forwards toward the enemy by himself." He specifies. "It's our duty to protect him too. From now on, if you're not with him or haven't said otherwise, a soldier will always be with him outside of the ship, you have my word."

It's a good proposition, and Depa finds no point to argue. And, considering the fire in Grey's eyes, she wouldn't be able to change it without pulling rank. 

"I have no objections to that." She replies. "But remember, even though Caleb is a padawan, he's still a jedi. He cannot develop the habit of falling back on others when things become difficult or dangerous. He must learn to rely on himself." 

Her Commander's frown deepens. "No offense, General, but that sounds like a lonely way to live."

Depa can't help but inwardly smile at that, because there's no judgement in his voice, only contemplation and a small bit of concern. 

"I can assure you that it is not. We travel in pairs or groups whenever possible, but considering the nature of some of the missions we go on, we must know how to handle anything and everything on our own."

Grey's expression smoothes as he considers this, and then he turns his head to look at her in the eyes, his own eyes warm and filled with steady determination. "As long as you and Caleb need us, sir, we're here." 

There's something deeper in his gaze, something stark and personal that Depa refuses to dwell on. 

"Thank you, Commander." She says quietly, and after checking up on Caleb from where she stands she makes a retreat that is a bit more hasty than necessary. But she does, after all, have a report to the council to make.

  
  


\-------

  
  


"A total of thirty casualties, fifty three injuries." Depa reports, and Mace inwardly frowns. The number of casualties is higher than average for jedi generals. Not enough to be noteworthy, though, and the remorse is clear to him in her eyes as she says it.

"Your Padawan," Yoda speaks from Maces left, looking intently at her holographic figure. "How did he fare?"

Her expression only grows more solemn, tinged with self-reproach. "He was injured at the beginning of the battle."

Alarm shoots through Mace, and now he is the one to lean forwards. "Are his injuries serious?"

"He was shot twice while I was too far away to defend him. He was saved by a brave trooper and is in bacta now. He'll be alright in a couple of hours, just sore and privy to several lectures about the dangers of recklessness. "

She's being glib again, an automatic habit to cover her true feelings. Mace saw them in her eyes anyway: the horror she had felt when, for a split second, she thought she would lose her padawan on their first mission out, her first mission after losing so many others.

"Is all else well?" He asks, and it's the closest he can say to "Are you alright?" in an official meeting. 

"Yes, Master Windu." She replies steadily. "Karoda is secure."

Yada flickers a glance at him, waiting to see if Mace has more to say. He doesn't, so he nods for the grandmaster to continue. 

"Needed on Mygeeto you are, once healed your Padawan is."

Depa steeples her fingers in front of her face, protectiveness, acceptance, and regret all flowing through her body language. She conceals it well, but Mace has seen the same look far too many times over the past three years from Masters who want nothing more than to return their padawans to the temple, afraid for their apprentice's wellbeing but knowing that one life can not take precedence over the millions of others. 

"We'll head there once all of the injured are taken care of. What's the situation?"

  
  
  



End file.
